One Year

One year ago today we arrived in Germany.

We were exhausted, bewildered (our pick up person got our time wrong and was an hour late picking us up from the airport), nervous, excited, curious . . . . you get the idea.  We had to find a place to live, set up bank accounts, arrange insurance, get a vehicle, get a cell phone--do you know how hard it is to do all of those things from scratch and to do them when you don't know where to start?  At least I spoke German!  In short, it was overwhelming.

Today, however, things look a bit different from what we had envisioned last year.  We did not think we would be heading back to Oregon or moving at all.  But here we are--exhausted, excited, and a lot less bewildered, but just as busy.

Our good friend Bill left this morning.  After taking him to the airport (with the first of our stuff!), we took Jimmy to get shaved (Lion-O is back!), then home for a quick bath before taking them both to the vet to get their health certificates.  They leave on Monday.  Our stuff gets shipped on Wednesday.  We have packed exactly . . . the two bags we sent with Bill (one of which was my saddle).  The house is a wreck.  We are still figuring out our insurance situation, furniture, etc.  So much to do!  We have not had time to fully recover from the school year and actually got some homeopathic sleep remedies from the local Apotheke because our minds are so busy and our bodies worn out.  We thought, since we're going back to Oregon, that this would be relatively simple, and I guess by comparison it is.  We have a home, vehicle, bank accounts, familiar job for me, friends/support network, knowledge of the systems, knowledge of the locations, etc.  The dogs will already be there when we get there and the stuff will arrive shortly after we do.  So why is this so much harder?

Thankfully we have a few bright spots on the horizon that are making this whole process seem easier.  The first is travel.  Our hope is to leave Thursday for 2 weeks in Italy and Croatia (well, that's the current plan--it changes constantly).  We'll return here, deliver our sold furniture to the buyer, and spend 2 days in Prague (finally) while our apartment is prepped for handover (in Germany that means cleaned to the nines, freshly painted, the works).  We'll load up our stuff, drive to Glückstadt, and then spend another 2 weeks there sleeping, doing little day trips, hanging out with friends and family, and generally enjoying our last few weeks in Europe with virtually no responsibility.  We will need whatever down time we can get for sure!

 For those wondering, our flight is scheduled for Monday, August 26th (arrival just before midnight).  I think I have said it before, but it needs to be said.  We welcome your visits and can't wait to see everyone.  We look forward to spending time with you.  However, I have been reading about repatriation, and I have to admit I have a lot of worries and thoughts on this.  From what it sounds like, there are a few things common to repatriates everywhere.  Some things I may feel include:
--annoyance at little things that are different that never used to annoy me (never mind that I will once again have all those things I missed when we first arrived here--the grass is always greener)
--a sense of loss or unbelonging
--a sense of wanting to share more than most people are willing to hear
--a sense that other people don't "get it" (whatever "it" is)
--friends, places, and opportunities we will miss
--a sense of loss that many have likened to grieving
These feelings are likely to be heightened for me because of my reluctance to leave in the first place.  For that reason I beg and crave your understanding if I bore you with stories, seem unenthusiastic about things, am irritable, or constantly compare life there to life here (probably negatively, though I am trying really hard NOT to do that--I want to be positive).  Feel free to tell me to shut up or snap out of it, but don't expect it to happen overnight.  Much like grieving, it takes time before I will reach acceptance.

The other thing I want to mention is that time here has changed me.  I have changed in ways I may not know yet.  Don't expect me to want the same things, behave the same way, or slip into my old life as if I never left.  I did leave.  I can't go back.  In fact I'm excited to apply the new me--the things I've learned and the ways I have changed--to my old life.  How much better can I be and how much more can I do now?  You may or may not notice changes as many of them are internal; I, however, will feel them acutely.

I look forward to going back.  I can't wait to see everyone, and I certainly will want to share my adventures and hear about yours--after all, time changes all of us, doesn't it?  I have missed you, Eugene friends, and I can't wait to see you.  You are a bright spot on the horizon of turbulent, exhausting emotions.  And to my family I can only say that I look forward to more regular contact, more frequent phone calls, and more of you.  You, more than anyone, understand this process, and you have been and continue to be a source of strength for me.

I can't say how I will feel in the days and weeks following our return.  I can't say if I will need space or need your constant presence.  I can't say if I will want to be left alone or will need to go out constantly. I can say that this adventure is much like the one we undertook a year ago--a big one.

We look forward to seeing you all.  Thank you all for your love and support.  In the meantime, pictures of our recent and upcoming travels are pending.